Finding the humor in an un-funny day...

In which I explain some very personal things in an attempt to open the lines of communication about miscarriage during October, which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

For those of you who don't know, Matthew and I have sadly experienced our second miscarriage today. Last October, at exactly the same progression through the pregnancy (10 weeks), we suffered the loss of our first baby. It was completely unexpected and devastating as these things usually are. At our first routine OB appointment, we learned that our baby had stopped growing 4 weeks before and had no heartbeat. It was such a difficult season for us, and it took many months (for Arwynn especially) to comprehend and grieve the loss of our child and feel that we were ready to try again.

This time, we'd had a perfect ultrasound 2 weeks ago where we'd heard the blessed angelic hummingbird heartbeat of our second baby. After some concerning symptoms this weekend, I called my doctor's office yesterday morning, and they were kind enough to fit me in for an ultrasound first thing. Unfortunately, the news was like a repeated nightmare. Our baby had stopped growing a week before and had no heartbeat.

We were devastated by the news; both of us had thought that we would be getting nothing but reassurance from this appointment. The midwife and doctor that I saw yesterday were both wonderful and agree that it is sadly probably just normal human reproduction, since as many as 1 in every 2-3 pregnancies do not make it past the first trimester. Because I'm already 31, the doctor will be happy to work me up now (instead of waiting for the traditional 3rd loss) for any preventable or treatable causes of miscarriage. Conceiving is not a problem, which is a happy and encouraging thing to know.

Because I'd had complications last year requiring an ER visit, we decided that the best thing for all of us was to have a procedure today to make sure that I didn't have those complications again. (I would be happy to discuss this procedure personally with anyone who needs or wants more information. Having been through both options, I have a definite personal and professional opinion on the matter.) My doctor was kind enough to schedule this procedure for 7:30 this morning in an attempt to complete it as soon as possible. The rest of this blog post is an attempt to find humor in a very un-funny day. In no way do I take lightly what has happened, but some of these things were just too funny to keep to myself. And it's my way of starting to cope with my grief, so please allow me that without judgment. :)

Monday night, 2230 hours. Arwynn: "I must shower and shave my legs tonight because I am NOT going under general anesthesia for the first time in 26 years and having anyone notice my hairy legs!" Matthew: "Oh, wife. I just love you."

Tuesday morning, 0555 hours. The scene: a dark parking lot where we are in one of 2 cars parked. Arwynn is wearing an uber-hot outfit of baggy shirt, baggy pajama pants, & flip flops. Her hair is French-braided and limited makeup is applied in an effort to maintain her dewy youthful complexion. Stunna shades are on despite the dark. Arwynn: "Do I look like a movie star?" Matthew: "Yes of course." Arwynn: "Ha! Maybe only one headed to rehab." Matthew: "Well I wasn't going to SAY Lindsay Lohan..." **eyeroll, still the best husband ever.

Tuesday morning, approximately 0715 hours. Pre-op holding. Arwynn: "Dr. Anesthesiologist, I'm very, very sensitive to drugs, so please don't give me very high doses." Dr. A: "OK sure, no problem. Preop Nurse, please give this patient Versed 2 mg." **for all non-medical personnel, this is NOT a small dose!!** Arwynn to Preop Nurse: "Please only give me 1 mg of that. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I've never had that drug before, and I'd really rather start low and go up if I need to." So I receive 1 mg of Versed, a happy relaxing drug. When I get to the operating room, Dr. A says, "So I hear you only got 1 mg of Versed." I say, "Yes, and I definitely feel relaxed." Dr. A: "So you don't want the other milligram?" Arwynn: "No, thank you." Dr. A: "Ok, I've given you the really good stuff now in your IV." Arwynn: "Ok yes, I feel that. The Michael Jackson stuff, huh? I feel good! Nananana." And, scene, as I forget everything for the next 45 minutes.

Tuesday morning, approximately 0815 hours. Recovery Room. Arwynn to Postop RN: "Um I think I'm bleeding." Postop RN: "Yes, sweetie, that is to be expected." **eyeroll from Arwynn to herself at not making a superstar nurse first impression.**

Tuesday morning, 0845 hours. Text message from my Mommy: "When do you get to be discharged?" Arwynn: "By my own criteria, I would discharge myself. I've walked, been to the restroom, eaten, and drank. But probably I have to wait x number of minutes after the last medication." Mommy: "Lol."

Tuesday morning, 1045 hours. Arwynn: "I'm not going to take any prescription pain medicine. I don't think I need it." **Reads package insert of methergine, a medication the doctor wants me to take every 4 hours for 6 doses.** "Causes increased strength and rate of uterine contraction, and stiffening of uterine walls." Arwynn: "Yeah, so I'm just going to go ahead and wash this down with half of a Lortab." (prescription pain medicine) Matthew laughs at my attempted stubbornness.

Tuesday evening, 1815 hours. My reminder goes off to take my medicines. I look around my area of the couch. Don't see them. Get up and look in the pill drawer, thinking Matthew got overzealous with his (much appreciated) decluttering task. Ask Matthew if he's seen them. He says, "No, but you gave me the bag they came in to throw away." He goes to the garage to dig in the trash (again, best husband award) and brings in my medicines, saying "You put your empty yogurt cup and a dead inkpen in this bag and threw it away." Arwynn: "What? I did? I had no idea!" Figure that one out, friends... Subconscious wanted to be done with them, I suppose!

Well that's what I've got for now. I'm sure the feelings and emotions will change and progress, but we will get through it together. Thank you, immensely, to our village of family, true friends, and my medical providers who are doing amazing work.
My husband, for his undying love and affection for me, in my ugly cry and ugly attitude moments, in my clinginess and my distance. I love you. More.
My parents have been unconditional in their support, being there when I need to talk or be reassured. Listening to me ramble and joke and sharing their true feelings with me as we all heal from our disappointment. Thank you for raising me to be a strong woman who will walk through this sadness with a man who loves me for who I am.
My sister, for being my firstbestfriend, for loving me in a way that no one else can, and for bringing her outstanding self & my sweet cuddly adorable niece down here this weekend to be with me.
Matthew's parents, for grieving with us and for their continued love, support and prayers.
Ashley, for listening to me, making me laugh, being my ultimate un-judgy friend, and for being my babysitter and keeping me company while Matthew goes to a work conference that he shouldn't miss.
Rebecca & Adam for the many prayers, delicious meal, love and support, and listening ears.
Jay & Lindsay for being our first Florida friends, and walking through this with us twice, offering anything we might need.
Our church friends, for the prayers, support, listening, and offers for anything we need.
All our other friends and family for their phone calls and text messages letting us know that they're thinking of us. We truly appreciate you. And we can't wait to share happy news when we have it of our rainbow baby, however God chooses to send it to us. :)

Vancouver Adventures

On the way back from Vancouver, we were driving our rented Chrysler Sebring Convertible on I5 and there was a trailer hitch in the middle of our lane that we couldn't avoid (at least not without hitting one of the cars that was on either side of us). In the second and a half between seeing the hitch and hitting the hitch, three simultaneous thoughts went through my head. 1) Oh <EXPLETIVE>! Please let us clear this thing. 2) $22.99 a day for Thrifty’s car insurance is the best money I’ve EVER spent. 3) I really hope we make our flight. <BANG><Cur-chunk><SCREEEEECH> We got off to the side of the freeway, pushing the hitch the entire way, while oil, transmission fluid, and an assortment of other automotive fluids poured onto the ground. Now normally, we don’t buy the grossly overpriced insurance, but since we were leaving the country and didn’t know what our personal coverage would be, we thought it might be best just to spend the money and I repeat, it was the BEST money I’ve ever spent.



Sitting on the side of the freeway with cars passing us less then 4 feet away, we called Thrifty roadside assistance and then waited an hour and 15 minutes for the tow truck driver to come from Seattle to get us and the car. While we waited, we filled our time by filing a police report, fending off 4 different people who wanted to take the trailer hitch (one of whom left his business card so that we could call him to come get it after we were done with it - we didn't), and being pushed by the DOT guy up the nearby exit ramp. The tow truck finally arrived and the three of us piled into the front seat of his tow truck (it was cozy to say the least) for the hour plus drive back to the car rental yard. We arrived back at Thrifty, handed them our paperwork, and hopped on the bus to head to the airport.



At this point, it was 1:30 and we have a 2:15 flight. We arrive at Sea-Tac airport and stand in the moderately long line to check our luggage, thinking “we’re not gonna make it.” We finally made it to the front of the line around 1:50 and checked our bags, hearing the joyful “BEEP BEEP BEEP!” indicating that our bags are late and are not guaranteed to arrive even if we do make our flight. We’re handed our boarding passes and run to the security checkpoint. We now arrive to a massively long winding line where there are just two TSA agents checking boarding passes and IDs. We patiently wait the line, resigned to the almost certain fact that we were going to miss our flight. At 2:03, we get through those TSA agents and start in on the substantial lines for the metal-detectors and nudie-booths. And then, as if ordained by a higher power, TSA decides to open another line – RIGHT NEXT TO US. I hear one agent ask the others “Are you ready?” as he comes over to open the line right next to me. I am the first through the line with Arwynn closely behind me. Time for the sprint (or maybe a marathon - our gate was the last one in the concourse) – Thank you Patrick Bell. As we come running up to the gate, we are lucky enough to find that, not only are we not late, but we are actually early enough to board at the end of our boarding group. Even luckier still, the flight wasn’t full, we got to sit together, and we didn’t have to sit with anyone else.

We touch down in Salt Lake City, go to the baggage claim area, and our bags arrive shortly thereafter. At the end of the day, our stressful day turned out all right, but I will have a hard time turning down that $22.99 insurance ever again.

The Future Babies Verleger

Ok. We are both really bad at this whole blogging thing. But obviously we need to get better at it! So here's an update. We've been in Utah almost a whole year now. I can't believe that! I wouldn't say it's "flown" by exactly, but we made it. Here's the short version:

Turns out we were both allergic to our dear Nibs! so we had to return her. That was a really hard thing for both of us. CheyFi came to visit which was tons of fun. We went back to Indiana & Michigan at the end of the summer, which was awesome. My fambly came to visit for Fall Break and we all had a great time! Thanksgiving was tough, because I had to work, so we couldn't spend any time with our families at all. But we made up for it at Christmastime, heading back to Indiana in early December for the Collins side, then meeting the Verleger/Bell side in Florida for a fun-filled family cruise vacation to the Caribbean! It was amazing! Matthew started teaching his first class, which was Numerical Methods. Then softball season kicked off in Louisville, which involved lots of trips back to the Midwest for Arwynn, capped off by a 13-day trip at the end of the season for both of us to see the Big East Championships and NCAA Regionals in Ulmer Stadium. I decided to start an RN-MSN in Education program at Western Governors University. My first day is June 1st! That's also the day Tori & I start our 1,600-mile drive so she can spend the summer with us in Utah. Good planning on my part, eh?

And here we are... one year after we initially drove across the country to our new homeland. We decided, together with the support of our family, to wait another year before we start trying to have a baby. So this is me putting it out there. I have 15 months left in my journey to a healthy baby-bearing body. I have the help of an amazing husband, kick-ass trainer, supportive baby sister, and great friends and family. I have all the keys, and it's time for a strong push toward the finish line. Look out world! Fittest Summer Ever starts now!

First Day with the Trainer

So... first personal training appointment today. Yeah... I'm going to love Patrick and hate him. And I told him this! :) He says I'll be doing box jumps within 3 months. Hahahahahahaha. Hilarious. I told him this too. But I completely trust him. He definitely pushes me, but it's doable. At this point, I'm controlling my own rest periods, so he shows me the next move and I start it "when I'm ready." He says to enjoy it while I can, because eventually I won't be in charge of anything. Oy vey! We started out the workout with this vibration machine thing. It feels so crazy! Basically you put whatever part on the machine for 30 seconds or so and it vibrates, which causes your muscles to contract and the bloodflow to increase. So we did each leg, my arms, and knee lifts on the machine, then moved to the @&#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$$%^&* incline treadmill. Man, that thing is going to kill me. It's hard enough to walk on a regular treadmill at an incline... this one goes to THIRTY. And Patrick puts it at THIRTY! Lucky for me, it was ramped up over 3 minutes, then done. Then we moved on to abs, then various strength exercises, squats, etc. etc. All of the sudden, Patrick says, okay, 3 more exercises, then a little cardio and regeneration. I looked at the clock and it had already been 40 minutes, you guys! It felt like 10! It was awesome! So, 3 more exercises, then a short but deadly stint on the recumbent bike, and we were back to the vibration machine. He really believes in it; he even said he's proven it to clients in the past by NOT using it for a week, and then they're begging to get it back. So whatever he says, I'm doing. I'm headed back on Thursday with my darling husband. Wish me luck!

Grooming Day

So Nibs and I both had grooming appointments today... Hers was at Petsmart, mine was at my new salon: Kakoi Salon & Day Spa. My new hairstylist's name is Meagan Jones, and I really like her. She's young, and pretty inexperienced, but really sweet and we have tons in common. Plus she's pretty darn talented. I went in for a consultation earlier this week and we talked about what her ideas for my head were. I told her I had a lot of hair, like more than she would even realize at first. So I get there today, and we decided that we'll do an all-over color to get rid of (my own quote here) "my trashy brassy blonde," and then put some highlights in around the crown, but in a different pattern than I had. Let's just say that she ended up mixing more of that all-over color 3 times. I was cracking up. I guess it's better than having too much, right? Anyway, end result with new color placement and new cut (only a tiny trim from the ends, but razoring out allllll that bulk- instead of thinning shears and different layers) is really beautiful, and I'm definitely going back. I made appointments for Cheyenne and I to get pedicures there next week. And Nibsy (now taking submissions for funny nicknames) looks absolutely stunning. All black and glossy and they even put a cute little bow on her collar! They said she did great with everything. Tomorrow I have to take Matthew to the airport for his crappy redeye flight to Indy. Blech. At least I have Chey's visit to keep me occupied while he's gone! I'm excited, y'all. Pics of the new 'do to follow as I owe CheyFi some pics of the 2 of us for a frame I got her.

The Logan River Trail

So I went for a walk today.... I was feeling kinda zombie-like. Slept too late, took a nap, and didn't want to waste the whole day away, so I put on my walkin' shoes and hit the Logan River Golf Course Trail. I brought my phone with me and listened to some music, and just walked. I didn't know how long the trail was, just that it wound around the golf course and crossed the river in a few places. We constantly see people walking, biking, running, ripsticking, etc. on the Trail because it goes right in front of our house. Convenient! It's very nice, wide concrete, with some non-Turkey Run-esque bridges that actually don't sway when you walk over them! (I know Dad, that will probably ruin the fun for you...) Apparently the great oracle Google is telling me that the trail is 1.7 miles long, and since I live at the beginning of it, I guess it's 3.4 miles to go to the end and back. I don't think I will do that very often, because at the other end it gets a little weird with some railroad crossings and stuff. But there is a 1-mile marker that won't be too bad to walk to and back with our new doggy Nibs! Victoria Verleger. We finally get to pick her up this week, and we're so excited! Here are some pics for your perusal.

"We're Moving to Utah, Honey!"

So we have obviously failed at blogging thus far. (I mean, we didn't even finish the honeymoon stories! Trust me, it was GREAT!) But as I started to update my FB status the other day, I realized that I was trying to fit a blog posting into 170 characters or so, and that's just silly! So I think we should give this another try. As you all already know, we've packed up alllll our belongings, left our families and friends, and moved 1500 miles away to Logan, Utah. I want to keep you all updated and make sure that we document all of our little moments. To start this off right, I've included a few pics of our new home. These are the mountains to the east of us with some cool-looking fog and rain all around them. Enjoy!!